New Stuff!: 40 Things All Drunks Must Do Before They Die

See the original article by Modern Drunkard magazine HERE.

#2: My most memorable bender was the 1st Annual chuckpalahniuk.net Cult Meetup in back-country Indiana, June 2005. 6 hours of sleep in 5 days, nonstop alcohol consumption, and my first ever migraine on the flight back home. It's proven tough to outdo, but I'm still working at it.

#3: Done this plenty of times, normally with Jagermeister, sometimes with cheap vodka, rum or whiskey.

#8: Reaching back to my college days here, but we used to sit around the apartment, get boozed up, convince our Mormon roommate to drive, and we'd take off for the night or weekend. We were an hour from Vegas, so that was our normal destination. Or, we'd grab our sleeping bags and go disappear in the mountains for the weekend.

#9: Got thrown out of a bar in Atlanta after some chick I bought a drink for convinced the bartender that all her friends Jager bombs were on me, and I got stuck with a $200 tab. In a fit of rage I ripped down the 6' mirror in the bathroom. Once out on the curb, we saw a bunch of black dudes beating the shit out of some guy who kept quoting Dave Chapelle all night. Also, some southerners calling a couple drunk frat boys from Vermont "Goddamn Yankees". All in all, a damn memorable night.

#14: Nothing too fancy, but it was a bar with a barstool and multiple bottles of liquor and beer, so it counts.

#19: College again. In St. George, UT there's a big rock formation overlooking the town called Dixie Rock. We used to go up there after hours, me, my roommate,and a couple girls we were seeing, and we'd bring a couple blankets and a few bottles of booze and sit until the sun came out, then hit up McDonalds, go take showers and head to class. Memories...

#21: Manhattan, KS in late summer 2001 on a pitstop on my roadtrip with my dog on our way to New Orleans, I stayed with a friend from high school, who showed me around Aggieville, the single greatest barhopping experience I've ever had. The only place that is in the same universe is downtown Austin, but we didn't hit up nearly the amount of bars I went to in a single night in Kansas.

#24: I work in the entertainment industry. If we're not drunk or stoned, we're worthless.

#26: Same trip to Atlanta, I was just about broke (borrowing money from my buddy because I showed up broke right before they took off), I got wasted and started on how money was the root of evil and all this shiat, and after unsuccessfully trying to give the money to the cabby so he could help put his kid through college, I gave it to a bum outside the hotel. It probably would've been better if it'd been my money in the first place, but its the idea that counts, right?

#30: We'd do this our senior year in high school, on those weeks between the end of one sport and the beginning of the next.

#33: This was a weekly occurrence back in college. Double points: Stealing from the grocery store I worked at.

#35: I consider my drunk-writing to be among my best, and all of it has an autobiographical feel to it.

#36: Cult Meet-up again. Thanks, Nate!


So, 13 down, 27 to go. Unfortunately, I've got to wait for Tom Waits to die before I can accomplish #6, and I'm still waiting for Netflix to get Barfly on DVD.

New List!: Best Modern Westerns

For no reason other than I like making random lists of unimportant shit, and in no particular order, here is a list of some of my favorite Westerns of the new millennium:

- Seraphim Falls
- The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada
- The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford
- 3:10 to Yuma
- Brokeback Mountain
- Down in the Valley*
- Dear Wendy**
- The Proposition
- No Country For Old Men


* Desert landscapes, horses, guns, shootouts with law enforcement and a cowboy. Can't think of any other qualifiers.
**A western-ish mining town, guns, cowboy-ish folk in a shootout reminiscent of the OK Coral. Close enough, right?

New Stuff!: Yahoo Answers

Here is a small list of some of the things I did to amuse myself at Yahoo! Answers before I was banned:

*

Question: Would my girlfriend want me to wear a condom if she has done it with other guys in the future without one on?
My Answer: I would definitely wear a condom if the girl I was sleeping with has had sex with people from the future.

*

Question: Any one know what has happened to bands such as Puddle of Mudd, Ra, Oleander, Stereomud, Adema, Alter Bridge, Tantric and many more.....I have been real busy and haven't caught local radio for a while, but some of these bands I thought we would have heard from again. Are there any other long lost bands that might have a new cd coming out soon...what about Candlebox and Seven Mary Three, I hear rumors every now and then and saw 7 M 3 at a concert about 6 years ago, thought they may be coming back. Any one also have a great band that you miss that you though might last for a while but never were heard from."
My Answer: What happened to them is what happens to all crap music: people either catch on to how bad they suck and move on to something better, or people find some other crap music to push into the Top 40 for a year before moving onto something else of equal or more suckitude.

*

Question: What does this mean?: “Women are irresponsible and unaccountable?" Several of the anti-feminist male posters have used this line in their answers as a stand-alone statement. I want to understand what is meant by this statement – can you give some specific examples please? To what issues does it apply? Do you really mean ALL women, or will you admit to over-generalizing?
My Answer: It means the person who posted that, his mother did not love him and because he frowns all the time he finds it hard to find dates on Friday nights. Although, to be honest, it's a pretty accurate statement.

*

My Question: Should I ask the Lord for something cool like a unicycle, or something "mature" like world peace?
Best Answer: Being a communist, I would ask for one of those three or four-seater bikes.

*

Question: Do You think Paris Hilton Will Make Any Films in Jail?
My Answer: Yes, she already has an 8 figure deal for "One Night in Paris in Alcatraz".

*

Question: What was the flute played in the Titanic?
My Answer: I believe Kate Winslet was playing the bone flute.
Yahoo's Response: Badboy! You banned!


So much for that...

New List!: Favorite Movies of 2007

2007 was a good movie year. There was a time around August/September where there were seven movies playing in theaters that interested me enough to fork out the money to check them out. Unfortunately, I was probably broke so I was only able to see a couple. Even though it was released in February or March, the film I most enjoyed this year was Frank Scott's brilliant directorial debut The Lookout, starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Jeff Daniels. It bombed at the box office, mostly, I assume, because it was marketed as a thriller when in reality it was a drama about a kid with a head injury. To me, it was the perfect blend of Hollywood style and Indie heart.

Once, an Irish romantic musical directed by John Carney and starring Glen Hansard of the rock group The Frames was a really close second. I can't say with any certainty that I've ever truly enjoyed a musical or a romance before, and being equal amounts of both I was blown away by how much this movie affected me. I'm glad I caught it on a red-eye flight, if the rest of the passengers had been awake I might've embarrassed myself as I dabbed my eyes and grinned like a retard on helium.

My other favorites, in no particular order:

* There Will Be Blood
* Red Road
* No Country For Old Men
* Michael Clayton
* I Am Legend
* I'm Not There
* Eastern Promises
* Zodiac
* The Darleejing Limited

Movies I bet were really good but I didn't see:

* The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
* Gone Baby Gone
* Into the Wild
* Lust, Caution

New List!: Favorite Foreign Films

Some of my favorite foreign films, in no real particular order:

The Celebration (Danish; dir. Thomas Vinterberg)
Dog Days (German; dir. Ulrich Seidl)
Purple Butterfly (Chinese; dir. Ye Lou)
Red Road (Scottish; dir. Andrea Arnold)
The Dreamers (French; dir. Bernardo Bertolucci)
Oldboy (Korean; dir. Chan Wook Park)
71 Fragments of a Chronology of Chance (Austian; dir. Michael Haneke)
Time of the Wolf (French; dir. Michael Haneke)
Funny Games (German; dir. Michael Haneke)
Crouching Tiger/Hidden Dragon (Chinese; dir. Ang Lee)
Pan's Labyrinth (Spanish; dir. Guillermo Del Toro)
Babel (Mexican; dir. Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu)
City of God (Brazilian; dir. Katia Lund)
Sex & Lucia (Spanish; dir. Julio Medem)
Kung Fu Hustle (Chinese; dir. Stephen Chow)
Sleep Dealer (Mexican; dir. Alex Rivera)

New List!: Coen Brothers Films

The worst Coen Brothers film is better than most director's best work. Here's a list of their films, my favorites on down.

Oh Brother Where Art Thou?
No Country For Old Men
Big Lebowski
Barton Fink
Blood Simple
Fargo
Miller's Crossing
The Man Who Wasn't There
The Hudsucker Proxy
Raising Arizona
The Ladykillers
Intolerable Cruelty

New List!: Best Music of 2007

I haven't paid much attention to albums released this year, but here's a really small and completely non-comprehensive list of some of the albums I've been listening to recently:

Best Posthumous Album: Elliott Smith - "New Moon"
Best Return to Alt. Country: Wilco - "Sky Blue Sky"
Best Album By Cute Lesbian Canadian Twin Sisters: Tegan & Sara - "The Con"
Best Good Job Doing Something Completely Different: Iron & Wine - "The Shepherd's Dog"
Best God How I Miss the '90s Album: Smashing Pumpkins - "Zeitgeist"

New List!: Stanley Kubrick Films

My favorite on down the line:

2001: A Space Odyssey
Paths of Glory
Full Metal Jacket
Eyes Wide Shut

Lolita
The Shining
Sparticus
Barry Lyndon
The Killing
A Clockwork Orange
Dr. Strangelove Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying & Love the Bomb

Killer's Kiss

I'm pretty sure I'd ad AI toward the top of this list if he'd stayed alive along enough to finish it.

New List!: Wes Anderson Films

In order of bestness, top to bottom:

The Royal Tenenbaums
The Darjeeling Limited
The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou
Rushmore
Bottle Rocket

New List!: Best Nonfiction Reading

Here's some great nonfiction books I've read recently and recommend to just about anyone:

* "Into Thin Air", "Into the Wild" and "Under the Banner of Heaven" by Jon Krakauer
* "Freakonomics" by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner
* "Rebel Without A Crew" by Robert Rodriquez (for anyone who wants to break into filmmaking and do it on their own terms)
* "Rebels On the Backlot" by Sharon Waxman
* "A Walk Across America" by Peter Jenkins
* "Fast Food Nation" and "Reefer Madness" by Eric Schlosser
* "America: The Book" by John Stewart & the Daily Show staff
* "Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius" by Dave Eggers

New List!: Favorite Movies of 2006

My favorite movie of last year was Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain, starring Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz. Babel was a close second.

My other favorites, in no particular order:

* The Prestige
* Stranger Than Fiction
* Little Children
* The Departed
* Brick
* Apocalypto
* Little Miss Sunshine
* Borat
* Pan's Labrynth
* Children of Men.