Word: Palindrone: noun: a person whose unflinching support of the Republican party causes them to blindly celebrate Sarah Palin as John McCain's vice-presidential nomination, regardless of her lack of qualifications for the position.
"If you keep on believing these things they tell you, you'll be one step away from becoming a Palindrone."
Showing posts with label Brilliant Ideas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Brilliant Ideas. Show all posts
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
New Band!: (cli)Che Geuvara
(cli)Ché Geuvara is preparing for our first national tour! Our band attire will be Castro hats and Commie-green jackets with black boots and blah green military fatigues adorned with left-leaning political buttons. We will sing our folk-rock anthems with background Buddhist love chanting. Our fiddles and violins will be in drop D tuning* and on tour we will stick to fucking only pseudo-intellectual hippie chicks. We will tour the county singing for art fags and retirees in bourgeois cafes and old folks homes. Our albums will be sold online for whatever price you're willing to pay (+ $5.99 shipping and handling) and our songs will bring joy and unity to breadlines across the nation.
Keep an eye out for us in a town square near you!
(* Now accepting applications for tandem tamborinists and a classically trained, acid jazz-influenced harmonica player. Please see our official website for details.)
Keep an eye out for us in a town square near you!
(* Now accepting applications for tandem tamborinists and a classically trained, acid jazz-influenced harmonica player. Please see our official website for details.)
Friday, August 22, 2008
New Rant!: Middle America's Guide to Being Patriotic
Middle America's Guide to Being a Patriot
Step 1: Surround yourself with American flags. On your clothes, on your envelopes, on your toilet paper. Doesn't matter, just whatever you do, do it more than anyone else and make sure everyone knows it.
Step 2: Be related to people who were or are currently in the military. (Note: It it not necessary for you yourself to have ever served. Military service by proxy is good enough.)
Step 3: Be white, Christian, Republican, poor, and willfully ignorant. It also helps to be third generation American or better.
Step 4: Forward Anti-Obama spam messages quickly, often and with zero regard for who you or are forwarding them to.
And there you have it, the four easy steps to being a true patriot and a good American.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
New Stuff!: 40 Things All Drunks Must Do Before They Die
See the original article by Modern Drunkard magazine HERE.
#2: My most memorable bender was the 1st Annual chuckpalahniuk.net Cult Meetup in back-country Indiana, June 2005. 6 hours of sleep in 5 days, nonstop alcohol consumption, and my first ever migraine on the flight back home. It's proven tough to outdo, but I'm still working at it.
#3: Done this plenty of times, normally with Jagermeister, sometimes with cheap vodka, rum or whiskey.
#8: Reaching back to my college days here, but we used to sit around the apartment, get boozed up, convince our Mormon roommate to drive, and we'd take off for the night or weekend. We were an hour from Vegas, so that was our normal destination. Or, we'd grab our sleeping bags and go disappear in the mountains for the weekend.
#9: Got thrown out of a bar in Atlanta after some chick I bought a drink for convinced the bartender that all her friends Jager bombs were on me, and I got stuck with a $200 tab. In a fit of rage I ripped down the 6' mirror in the bathroom. Once out on the curb, we saw a bunch of black dudes beating the shit out of some guy who kept quoting Dave Chapelle all night. Also, some southerners calling a couple drunk frat boys from Vermont "Goddamn Yankees". All in all, a damn memorable night.
#14: Nothing too fancy, but it was a bar with a barstool and multiple bottles of liquor and beer, so it counts.
#19: College again. In St. George, UT there's a big rock formation overlooking the town called Dixie Rock. We used to go up there after hours, me, my roommate,and a couple girls we were seeing, and we'd bring a couple blankets and a few bottles of booze and sit until the sun came out, then hit up McDonalds, go take showers and head to class. Memories...
#21: Manhattan, KS in late summer 2001 on a pitstop on my roadtrip with my dog on our way to New Orleans, I stayed with a friend from high school, who showed me around Aggieville, the single greatest barhopping experience I've ever had. The only place that is in the same universe is downtown Austin, but we didn't hit up nearly the amount of bars I went to in a single night in Kansas.
#24: I work in the entertainment industry. If we're not drunk or stoned, we're worthless.
#26: Same trip to Atlanta, I was just about broke (borrowing money from my buddy because I showed up broke right before they took off), I got wasted and started on how money was the root of evil and all this shiat, and after unsuccessfully trying to give the money to the cabby so he could help put his kid through college, I gave it to a bum outside the hotel. It probably would've been better if it'd been my money in the first place, but its the idea that counts, right?
#30: We'd do this our senior year in high school, on those weeks between the end of one sport and the beginning of the next.
#33: This was a weekly occurrence back in college. Double points: Stealing from the grocery store I worked at.
#35: I consider my drunk-writing to be among my best, and all of it has an autobiographical feel to it.
#36: Cult Meet-up again. Thanks, Nate!
So, 13 down, 27 to go. Unfortunately, I've got to wait for Tom Waits to die before I can accomplish #6, and I'm still waiting for Netflix to get Barfly on DVD.
#2: My most memorable bender was the 1st Annual chuckpalahniuk.net Cult Meetup in back-country Indiana, June 2005. 6 hours of sleep in 5 days, nonstop alcohol consumption, and my first ever migraine on the flight back home. It's proven tough to outdo, but I'm still working at it.
#3: Done this plenty of times, normally with Jagermeister, sometimes with cheap vodka, rum or whiskey.
#8: Reaching back to my college days here, but we used to sit around the apartment, get boozed up, convince our Mormon roommate to drive, and we'd take off for the night or weekend. We were an hour from Vegas, so that was our normal destination. Or, we'd grab our sleeping bags and go disappear in the mountains for the weekend.
#9: Got thrown out of a bar in Atlanta after some chick I bought a drink for convinced the bartender that all her friends Jager bombs were on me, and I got stuck with a $200 tab. In a fit of rage I ripped down the 6' mirror in the bathroom. Once out on the curb, we saw a bunch of black dudes beating the shit out of some guy who kept quoting Dave Chapelle all night. Also, some southerners calling a couple drunk frat boys from Vermont "Goddamn Yankees". All in all, a damn memorable night.
#14: Nothing too fancy, but it was a bar with a barstool and multiple bottles of liquor and beer, so it counts.
#19: College again. In St. George, UT there's a big rock formation overlooking the town called Dixie Rock. We used to go up there after hours, me, my roommate,and a couple girls we were seeing, and we'd bring a couple blankets and a few bottles of booze and sit until the sun came out, then hit up McDonalds, go take showers and head to class. Memories...
#21: Manhattan, KS in late summer 2001 on a pitstop on my roadtrip with my dog on our way to New Orleans, I stayed with a friend from high school, who showed me around Aggieville, the single greatest barhopping experience I've ever had. The only place that is in the same universe is downtown Austin, but we didn't hit up nearly the amount of bars I went to in a single night in Kansas.
#24: I work in the entertainment industry. If we're not drunk or stoned, we're worthless.
#26: Same trip to Atlanta, I was just about broke (borrowing money from my buddy because I showed up broke right before they took off), I got wasted and started on how money was the root of evil and all this shiat, and after unsuccessfully trying to give the money to the cabby so he could help put his kid through college, I gave it to a bum outside the hotel. It probably would've been better if it'd been my money in the first place, but its the idea that counts, right?
#30: We'd do this our senior year in high school, on those weeks between the end of one sport and the beginning of the next.
#33: This was a weekly occurrence back in college. Double points: Stealing from the grocery store I worked at.
#35: I consider my drunk-writing to be among my best, and all of it has an autobiographical feel to it.
#36: Cult Meet-up again. Thanks, Nate!
So, 13 down, 27 to go. Unfortunately, I've got to wait for Tom Waits to die before I can accomplish #6, and I'm still waiting for Netflix to get Barfly on DVD.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
New Someone Else's Idea!: On Socialized Healthcare
Stolen from a conversation on Fark.com: An eloquent response to a dumbass response to this article about health insurance providers:
ScubaDude1960: Insurance companies have to take in at least as much as they pay out. There is no free lunch, and medical costs are going up. If you don't like your policy, cancel it.
/has spent over $300,000 on medical bills.
*
Cagey B: Priceless. The person who had three hundred grand to shell out on medical bills telling us about "no free lunch".
We in the United States live in a system where we have no problem letting the government police our cities, fight our fires, keep our planes from falling out of the sky, build our gigantic freeways, prosecute our wars, and countless other things that profoundly affect our day-to-day lives and, you know, keep us from dying.
But when it comes to medical care? We seriously believe that you judge a person's right to treatment for serious illnesses based on their bank account. We have no problem with the premise of "No money? Well then you can die."
How fortunate for you that you could shell out that sum on needed medical services (unless it was cosmetic surgery, in which case you can go DIAF right now). If you hadn't that sum of money, by your very own admission, you wouldn't be allowed access to those services. Hopefully someone would come and tell you "no free lunch" as your tumor grows.
You understand that there are vital services in this country that are done by the government because either there is no way to turn a profit and do a satisfactory job, or because profit should not be the main motivating factor in providing services, right? Unless you're truly one of those assholes who thinks the police should privatized, you understand that you are part of a larger society, right?
So, unless you want what is in effect a system where the poor can go die because of the fact they are poor, there must be at the very least some sort of government intervention here. Perhaps preventing someone in the insurance industry from effectively not serving the people who are in actual need of the services that they have agreed to pay for every month, perhaps that would be a good start.
You may very well want a system in which poor people die simply by dint of the fact that they weren't rich enough. And before anyone else chimes in on this one, medical services, especially to people who, you know, get sick, are not some frivolous consumer good that can be done without. No one is saying that everyone gets to drive a Mercedes, or gets to have a 50" television. But the right to not suffer and die simply because of class should be one that we recognize. If you are one of those people, I'm done talking to you. You will not be reached, and refuse to live up to any of the responsibilities (and yes, as a member and beneficiary of society you do have them) to your State. Go move to Somalia, rugged individual.
For the rest of the conservative types, surely you recognize that there are at least some essential government services, necessary to life and limb. Medical care is one of those things that we need to have if our lives aren't to be cut shorter in the face of the resources to do otherwise.
If you're concerned about government intrusion, as this administration has shown you to rightly be, why not do something about it? Instead of being intractably against it, why not be a part of the planning process?
Are you concerned about cost overruns? You should be, taxpayer resources are vitally important and should be treated with respect. There are ways to make financial workings transparent, with proper oversight, to make sure waste and fraud don't occur. I can think of many Republicans who would be very good at functioning within a health care system and ensuring that money goes where it should.
Are you concerned about the quality of care? Again, get involved. Set standards. Hold doctors and administrators accountable. Keep up the oversight. Make sure that patients get the quality of care they deserve. It can be done. There are areas for compromise here. There are ways to harness the power of existing companies within an existing framework, even.
But man. What is currently going on, and the growing number of people's lives who are negatively affected and ruined by this situation, it is not acceptable by any standards. ANYONE'S standards. I sincerely hope that in time, our Republican and conservative friends can see this.
ScubaDude1960: Insurance companies have to take in at least as much as they pay out. There is no free lunch, and medical costs are going up. If you don't like your policy, cancel it.
/has spent over $300,000 on medical bills.
*
Cagey B: Priceless. The person who had three hundred grand to shell out on medical bills telling us about "no free lunch".
We in the United States live in a system where we have no problem letting the government police our cities, fight our fires, keep our planes from falling out of the sky, build our gigantic freeways, prosecute our wars, and countless other things that profoundly affect our day-to-day lives and, you know, keep us from dying.
But when it comes to medical care? We seriously believe that you judge a person's right to treatment for serious illnesses based on their bank account. We have no problem with the premise of "No money? Well then you can die."
How fortunate for you that you could shell out that sum on needed medical services (unless it was cosmetic surgery, in which case you can go DIAF right now). If you hadn't that sum of money, by your very own admission, you wouldn't be allowed access to those services. Hopefully someone would come and tell you "no free lunch" as your tumor grows.
You understand that there are vital services in this country that are done by the government because either there is no way to turn a profit and do a satisfactory job, or because profit should not be the main motivating factor in providing services, right? Unless you're truly one of those assholes who thinks the police should privatized, you understand that you are part of a larger society, right?
So, unless you want what is in effect a system where the poor can go die because of the fact they are poor, there must be at the very least some sort of government intervention here. Perhaps preventing someone in the insurance industry from effectively not serving the people who are in actual need of the services that they have agreed to pay for every month, perhaps that would be a good start.
You may very well want a system in which poor people die simply by dint of the fact that they weren't rich enough. And before anyone else chimes in on this one, medical services, especially to people who, you know, get sick, are not some frivolous consumer good that can be done without. No one is saying that everyone gets to drive a Mercedes, or gets to have a 50" television. But the right to not suffer and die simply because of class should be one that we recognize. If you are one of those people, I'm done talking to you. You will not be reached, and refuse to live up to any of the responsibilities (and yes, as a member and beneficiary of society you do have them) to your State. Go move to Somalia, rugged individual.
For the rest of the conservative types, surely you recognize that there are at least some essential government services, necessary to life and limb. Medical care is one of those things that we need to have if our lives aren't to be cut shorter in the face of the resources to do otherwise.
If you're concerned about government intrusion, as this administration has shown you to rightly be, why not do something about it? Instead of being intractably against it, why not be a part of the planning process?
Are you concerned about cost overruns? You should be, taxpayer resources are vitally important and should be treated with respect. There are ways to make financial workings transparent, with proper oversight, to make sure waste and fraud don't occur. I can think of many Republicans who would be very good at functioning within a health care system and ensuring that money goes where it should.
Are you concerned about the quality of care? Again, get involved. Set standards. Hold doctors and administrators accountable. Keep up the oversight. Make sure that patients get the quality of care they deserve. It can be done. There are areas for compromise here. There are ways to harness the power of existing companies within an existing framework, even.
But man. What is currently going on, and the growing number of people's lives who are negatively affected and ruined by this situation, it is not acceptable by any standards. ANYONE'S standards. I sincerely hope that in time, our Republican and conservative friends can see this.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
New Brilliant Idea!: Lawyerderby!
Brought to you by the creative forces behind The People's Court and The New American Gladiators, Lawyerderby: "Justice May Be Blind, but She Ain't No Pussy!"
Tuesdays on NBC immediately following Dateline.
Tuesdays on NBC immediately following Dateline.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
New Stuff!: Yahoo Answers
Here is a small list of some of the things I did to amuse myself at Yahoo! Answers before I was banned:
*
Best Answer: Being a communist, I would ask for one of those three or four-seater bikes.
*
Question: Do You think Paris Hilton Will Make Any Films in Jail?
My Answer: Yes, she already has an 8 figure deal for "One Night in Paris in Alcatraz".
*
Question: What was the flute played in the Titanic?
My Answer: I believe Kate Winslet was playing the bone flute.
Yahoo's Response: Badboy! You banned!
So much for that...
*
Question: Would my girlfriend want me to wear a condom if she has done it with other guys in the future without one on?
My Answer: I would definitely wear a condom if the girl I was sleeping with has had sex with people from the future.
*
Question: Any one know what has happened to bands such as Puddle of Mudd, Ra, Oleander, Stereomud, Adema, Alter Bridge, Tantric and many more.....I have been real busy and haven't caught local radio for a while, but some of these bands I thought we would have heard from again. Are there any other long lost bands that might have a new cd coming out soon...what about Candlebox and Seven Mary Three, I hear rumors every now and then and saw 7 M 3 at a concert about 6 years ago, thought they may be coming back. Any one also have a great band that you miss that you though might last for a while but never were heard from."
My Answer: What happened to them is what happens to all crap music: people either catch on to how bad they suck and move on to something better, or people find some other crap music to push into the Top 40 for a year before moving onto something else of equal or more suckitude.
*
Question: What does this mean?: “Women are irresponsible and unaccountable?" Several of the anti-feminist male posters have used this line in their answers as a stand-alone statement. I want to understand what is meant by this statement – can you give some specific examples please? To what issues does it apply? Do you really mean ALL women, or will you admit to over-generalizing?
My Answer: It means the person who posted that, his mother did not love him and because he frowns all the time he finds it hard to find dates on Friday nights. Although, to be honest, it's a pretty accurate statement.
*
My Question: Should I ask the Lord for something cool like a unicycle, or something "mature" like world peace?Best Answer: Being a communist, I would ask for one of those three or four-seater bikes.
*
Question: Do You think Paris Hilton Will Make Any Films in Jail?
My Answer: Yes, she already has an 8 figure deal for "One Night in Paris in Alcatraz".
*
Question: What was the flute played in the Titanic?
My Answer: I believe Kate Winslet was playing the bone flute.
Yahoo's Response: Badboy! You banned!
So much for that...
Friday, November 9, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
New Brilliant Idea!: Home Alone 4: Home Alone - In Space
As the first ever astronaut family begins their descent toward earth, they realize they've left Kevin behind yet again!. It's all space-fun and space-games for the 42 year old Macauly Culkin until
alien-Harry and alien-Marv show up expecting the joint to be empty....
alien-Harry and alien-Marv show up expecting the joint to be empty....
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
New Brilliant Idea!: HolySpirit Laxatives (c)
HolySpirit Laxatives (c) - "When you're stuck let the Spirit move you."
Sunday, October 21, 2007
New Story Idea!: The Dick and Dyke Show
Annoyingly fruity and cliched gay dude marries charming but abrasive hardcore manhating dyke in order to stop their families from asking too many questions. She's abusive and in the end gets arrested for a hate crime. Starring Hilary Swank as the She-Dude and David Hyde Pierce as the Man-Wife.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
New Thing!: Best. Idea. Ever. #3
Craig's List Marathon: Rent a truck and a trailer, drive around LA and pick up everything listed in the Free section. It doesn't matter what you get, only that you have it, and it was free.
Anyone interested in doing this, let me know. I've got a place to put everything, and we can always donate it to charity or ebay it or something if we get something we don't need. And we can split all the cool shit - today, some guy was giving away a nice pool table, and last week some one gave away a 25 foot boat he no longer needed.
If you do this on your own, I want to see pictures.
Anyone interested in doing this, let me know. I've got a place to put everything, and we can always donate it to charity or ebay it or something if we get something we don't need. And we can split all the cool shit - today, some guy was giving away a nice pool table, and last week some one gave away a 25 foot boat he no longer needed.
If you do this on your own, I want to see pictures.
Friday, March 9, 2007
New Thing!: Best. Idea. Ever. #2
Subway Strippers: Keep the LA subway trains running 24 hours a day, and during the normally boring off-hours, get a slew of wanna-be actresses to come down and strip on the hand rail polls.
As long as there's someone to make sure people pay their fares, this is guaranteed profits, my friends.
As long as there's someone to make sure people pay their fares, this is guaranteed profits, my friends.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
New Thing!: Best. Idea. Ever. #1
The Soul Train Channel: a 24 live feed of people freakin to disco's greatest hits. Periodically flash the address on the screen so all the youngins and their frumpy, neurotic mothers know where the party's at. Great for the TiVO crowd!
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